Wednesday, December 14, 2016

How did you get my address? You weren't invited.

But since you're here, might as well keep reading.

I've been told I should be a writer. Granted most times were from men and mostly because of my rack. Like, what? Am I gonna pull a typewriter from my cleavage?

But when a genuine good friend told me to write and not overthink it, I took the advice. So we will see. It may be fun, it may be an epic failure (which I'm more than competent at handling), but above all else it will be real and honest.

So, here I am. A 30something mom, entrepreneur, opinionated, sarcastic, ridiculous girl. Notice I used girl and not woman? I noticed. I assume it's because my own subconscious knows I'm not great at adulting. But let's be real- adulting blows.

So what can you find here?! Shit, idk. Maybe you'll laugh, maybe you'll leave disgusted, maybe you'll cry- and if you do all three isn't it kinda like a holiday? At least that's how holidays go in this Irish family. All I know is you'll feel something. And if you don't, don't come back. Don't waste your time. Really.

So let's start at the beginning. Not the actual beginning, but the start of all that is me now.

My first blow job.

Now a quick condensed backstory- was in an Irish Catholic family, with a ton of expectations and a insane desire to appease my parents. So my circle of friends were mostly good catholic schoolgirls. I was 15 or 16, and none of us really knew what a blow job was. My boyfriend at the time did of course and wanted one. Now- I couldn't let him know that I was clueless to the whole situation, and instead turned to my friends. We were fairly intelligent, and had theorized a blow job down to a very simple process. Still with me? Perfect.

So, the night. THE night. I was ready. I sat in the passenger seat of his jeep at the park (cause duh- where else do you go for your first blowie?), hands clammy, running over all the scenarios and plans I had devised with my friends, my bj advisors. We start kissing, his hands on my shoulders, and I know this is going to happen. I remember telling him that I wanted to, it's my favorite, and I'm not half bad at it. So he excitedly undid his jeans, and with my most confident smile, I wrapped my hand around my hair and leaned in and blew it.

Literally and figuratively.

I kept blowing and blowing, like I expected the tip of his dick to sound off like a whistle. "You like that?" 😚💨 until finally he told me "it's not a birthday candle baby, put it in your mouth" to which I proceeded to be deepthroated while I bawled my eyes out.

As soon as I returned home I swore I could never be embarrassed sexually like that again. Which began my fondness of porn....which in turn brought on a whole new kind of dynamic and hilarious stories into my life, which I will be compiling here, among other things.

 And you get to be front row for all my ridiculousness and humiliation😂

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